I'm officially sucking at being a blogger. I literally don't know what happened to December. I blinked and then all of the sudden it's now 2014.
The biggest random update I have is that my knee is officially out of commission for the next several weeks. I thought I tore my meniscus, but my menisci are fine. I did, however, manage to crack the cartilage above my tibia and bruise the bone. Ortho doc thinks that either my femur hit my tibia so hard, or was hitting so much over time from heavy impact, that I cracked the cartilage and bruised the bone. So while I'm ecstatic that I don't need surgery, my recovery plan is a lot of rest and backing off the intense work outs that I have grown to love. Patience is not my strongest virtue, and I'm trying to not be annoyed at being told to slow down.
I'm still working out what New Year resolutions I want to write down and commit to. Some of them are ongoing "resolutions" that just need to be refreshed and revisited (like having more patience). Others are new and I'm trying to figure out how I want it all to look and feel this year and what I want to get out of it. I have long since decided that resolutions should not be about deprivation or sacrifice, but rather about adding something you want to your life or getting more out of life. For starters one of my resolutions is to spend at least one evening a week not in front of the TV. That way I can read more, see my husband who works crazy hours, go on more walks etc. I have a nightstand full of books that I want to read and now I'm going to make it a priority. The others I'm still working out all the details, but I'm not in any hurry to hastily come up with a goal without a plan and then wonder why I didn't achieve it. That's kind of another on going resolution: to be more... flowy... as in going with the flow more. My anxiety can get away with itself and I find comfort in taking control over things, and at this point it becomes a question of chicken or the egg.
So for now, here's to more deep breaths, more reading, more walks, and adjusted priorities.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Randoms
Jesus, it's been a month since I've posted... Thank god for randoms.
1) I am in that awkward, I need to care but just don't have any more motivation, place with school. All semester I've been in a state of indifference. Call it senior-itis. But before spring break I was moving so quickly because I'm so busy that things were getting done by default. Then I slowed down a bit over spring break, and I'm moving slower, but still in the same state of indifference, so things aren't getting done as quickly. And I kinda don't care. But then I remember that I have a ton of shit of to get done so that I can graduate, and that makes me care some, but I just can't seem to focus. So I've been spending my days setting the goal (literally setting a timer) of being focused and productive for one hour, and rewarding myself with hour long naps or a movie, then going back and setting the timer again. Such a tedious process.
2) I miss California.
3) I've been cooking a lot of grain free foods lately and I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of gluten intolerance. I only say this because when I eat grain free, my belly is flatter, I bloat less, and my tummy makes less noise. When I do eat grain, I bloat, takes me a few days to de-bloat, and my tummy can get a little wonky. I never really gave much thought to it, especially since I am sure there is gluten in a lot of foods that I eat as a preservative and those don't seem to be a bother. But the big stuff like bread, pasta and rice (rice not so much if I don't eat it like the Asian person I am), my body looks awful the next day and I feel sluggish.
4) I need more dance in my life. I used to think that music is what connected me back to myself. Moody music for my moody moods, party music when I'm feeling on top, sultry music for my sassy moods, etc. I just realized, like, last night, that it's not so much the music, but that dance I visualize when I listen to it. Kinda shocked that I never realized this before since I love to dance, I have so much fun when I do it, especially when I choreograph my own pieces (non-Zumba pieces in particular (not that I don't love Zumba, I do, but there's a different vibe to it)). I really wish I had more hours in the day to give this to myself right now, but I don't. Adding more dance into my life right now would be more of a burden instead of a gift. So when I graduate I will be dancing more.
5) It's that time of year when my arms and face and shoulders are getting nice and brown because I'm driving with the windows down, but my legs are pasty, pasty white and I wish I could just stick my legs in a tanning bed and keep the rest of me out of it.
6) Our new place is finally starting to feel like ours. It did when we signed the papers and got the keys and all of that. But we've been here for long enough now where that initial honeymoon excitement has worn off and all that's left is this attitude of, "fuck yeah this is our home." We still haven't put anything on our walls (maybe a project for when my parents come visit in May?? Consider this fair warning, mom) partly because we don't have time, partly because every time we put a hole in a wall we freak a little bit. These walls are ours. We are responsible for them. And we paid for them. AND NOW WE'RE PUTTING FUCKING HOLES IN THEM??? ON PURPOSE?? We'll get over it. Eventually.
7) Someone told me that tarantulas migrate, like fucking 8 legged crawling birds, across washes when the weather gets warm, and that they literally blanket the fucking ground. I have no desire to know if this is true, but now that I live backed up against the desert, I am weary of going outside in the dark right now...
8) March Madness is in full swing. Which means in two weeks I will get my husband back.
9) I've been having this strange craving for jelly beans lately. Maybe it's the Easter Bunny putting thoughts into my head.
10) Because I am so busy I am rebelling against cleaning like a small child. I don't know why. My husband is equally busy, and it's not like I expect him to pick up the slack, I just don't want either of us to clean. The idea of spending our one day off cleaning the goddamn house is making me throw temper tantrums. On the inside of course. Instead of sitting on the floor kicking my feet and screaming, I sit in this chair and become paralyzed to do anything except type and click. So when I'm working more hours, we're going to find someone to come clean our house. Because I would much rather spend our one day off together, doing something nice like going to the park or something non-chorey and lame.
1) I am in that awkward, I need to care but just don't have any more motivation, place with school. All semester I've been in a state of indifference. Call it senior-itis. But before spring break I was moving so quickly because I'm so busy that things were getting done by default. Then I slowed down a bit over spring break, and I'm moving slower, but still in the same state of indifference, so things aren't getting done as quickly. And I kinda don't care. But then I remember that I have a ton of shit of to get done so that I can graduate, and that makes me care some, but I just can't seem to focus. So I've been spending my days setting the goal (literally setting a timer) of being focused and productive for one hour, and rewarding myself with hour long naps or a movie, then going back and setting the timer again. Such a tedious process.
2) I miss California.
3) I've been cooking a lot of grain free foods lately and I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of gluten intolerance. I only say this because when I eat grain free, my belly is flatter, I bloat less, and my tummy makes less noise. When I do eat grain, I bloat, takes me a few days to de-bloat, and my tummy can get a little wonky. I never really gave much thought to it, especially since I am sure there is gluten in a lot of foods that I eat as a preservative and those don't seem to be a bother. But the big stuff like bread, pasta and rice (rice not so much if I don't eat it like the Asian person I am), my body looks awful the next day and I feel sluggish.
4) I need more dance in my life. I used to think that music is what connected me back to myself. Moody music for my moody moods, party music when I'm feeling on top, sultry music for my sassy moods, etc. I just realized, like, last night, that it's not so much the music, but that dance I visualize when I listen to it. Kinda shocked that I never realized this before since I love to dance, I have so much fun when I do it, especially when I choreograph my own pieces (non-Zumba pieces in particular (not that I don't love Zumba, I do, but there's a different vibe to it)). I really wish I had more hours in the day to give this to myself right now, but I don't. Adding more dance into my life right now would be more of a burden instead of a gift. So when I graduate I will be dancing more.
5) It's that time of year when my arms and face and shoulders are getting nice and brown because I'm driving with the windows down, but my legs are pasty, pasty white and I wish I could just stick my legs in a tanning bed and keep the rest of me out of it.
6) Our new place is finally starting to feel like ours. It did when we signed the papers and got the keys and all of that. But we've been here for long enough now where that initial honeymoon excitement has worn off and all that's left is this attitude of, "fuck yeah this is our home." We still haven't put anything on our walls (maybe a project for when my parents come visit in May?? Consider this fair warning, mom) partly because we don't have time, partly because every time we put a hole in a wall we freak a little bit. These walls are ours. We are responsible for them. And we paid for them. AND NOW WE'RE PUTTING FUCKING HOLES IN THEM??? ON PURPOSE?? We'll get over it. Eventually.
7) Someone told me that tarantulas migrate, like fucking 8 legged crawling birds, across washes when the weather gets warm, and that they literally blanket the fucking ground. I have no desire to know if this is true, but now that I live backed up against the desert, I am weary of going outside in the dark right now...
8) March Madness is in full swing. Which means in two weeks I will get my husband back.
9) I've been having this strange craving for jelly beans lately. Maybe it's the Easter Bunny putting thoughts into my head.
10) Because I am so busy I am rebelling against cleaning like a small child. I don't know why. My husband is equally busy, and it's not like I expect him to pick up the slack, I just don't want either of us to clean. The idea of spending our one day off cleaning the goddamn house is making me throw temper tantrums. On the inside of course. Instead of sitting on the floor kicking my feet and screaming, I sit in this chair and become paralyzed to do anything except type and click. So when I'm working more hours, we're going to find someone to come clean our house. Because I would much rather spend our one day off together, doing something nice like going to the park or something non-chorey and lame.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Flourless Chocolate Cake
I wanted to make the title, "FLOURLESS CHOCOLATE CAKE BITCHES!!!!" but I thought that might be a little too much excitement for a title.
I got this recipe from The Detoxinista, which I was introduced to by my friend Jil. I dig her concept of food combining. It makes my tummy happy and I find that I'm way less bloated and gurgley when I do proper food combo meals (which might also be because I eat a lot less grain when I do proper food combo meals. I don't think it's a gluten allergy because I don't really have any other symptom other than bloating if I eat a lot of grains/carbs/gluten and gluten is in a ton of stuff that doesn't bother me at all). Anyways, enough of the TMI and on to this super amazing friggen cake.
I used ViSalus protein powder instead of the stevia baking blend, which you can learn more about here. I would NOT recommend using any other kind of protein powder simply because ViSalus is awesome and is naturally sweetened, so it can be used as a sweetener substitute. And it has the fiber in it which The Detoxinista's original recipe calls for with her stevia baking blend. Enough talk!
Flourless Chocolate Cake
Ingredients
2oz dark chocolate (I use this kind)
3tbspn of ViSalus (or stevia baking blend)
1/2tspn molasses
1tspn cocoa powder
1/2 to 1tspn pure vanilla extract
1tbspn boiling water
2tbspn butter chopped up
1 egg
Step 1: Preheat oven to 350 degree F. In a mini food processor, grind up your chocolate until it's nice and ground up and crumbly
Step 2: add your ViSalus, molasses, cocoa powder and vanilla extract and blend until it's a sand-like texture
Step 3: take your tablespoon of boiling water and mix that in there too to get things all melted together. It should come out looking like molten chocolate, so if you need to add another tablespoon (I did) go for it.
Step 4: Add your butter and egg. It should look pretty smooth and creamy at this point.
Step 5: I don't have those little ramekin things, so I used a muffin pan with those cupcake papers. Worked great. Made clean up super easy too. According to The Detoxinista if you are using the ramekin things, no amount of coconut oil in the dish before you bake keeps it from sticking to the sides anyhow. Bake for about 20min or until a knife/fork/toothpick comes out clean
Step 6: BOOM!!! Just look at those babies! Nom! Now, if you are using ViSalus as your sweetener, it's good to note that protein powder, especially whey proteins, will make things come out fluffier. So just keep that in mind if you are using protein powder in any sort of cooking/baking.
Oh, and devour this shit! So freaking good. And this totally gets a fitness and health label too because it's totes guilt free.
I got this recipe from The Detoxinista, which I was introduced to by my friend Jil. I dig her concept of food combining. It makes my tummy happy and I find that I'm way less bloated and gurgley when I do proper food combo meals (which might also be because I eat a lot less grain when I do proper food combo meals. I don't think it's a gluten allergy because I don't really have any other symptom other than bloating if I eat a lot of grains/carbs/gluten and gluten is in a ton of stuff that doesn't bother me at all). Anyways, enough of the TMI and on to this super amazing friggen cake.
I used ViSalus protein powder instead of the stevia baking blend, which you can learn more about here. I would NOT recommend using any other kind of protein powder simply because ViSalus is awesome and is naturally sweetened, so it can be used as a sweetener substitute. And it has the fiber in it which The Detoxinista's original recipe calls for with her stevia baking blend. Enough talk!
Flourless Chocolate Cake
Ingredients
2oz dark chocolate (I use this kind)
3tbspn of ViSalus (or stevia baking blend)
1/2tspn molasses
1tspn cocoa powder
1/2 to 1tspn pure vanilla extract
1tbspn boiling water
2tbspn butter chopped up
1 egg
Step 1: Preheat oven to 350 degree F. In a mini food processor, grind up your chocolate until it's nice and ground up and crumbly
I forgot to take a pic of just the chocolate. So this one is kind of a mix of step 1 and 2
Step 2: add your ViSalus, molasses, cocoa powder and vanilla extract and blend until it's a sand-like texture
Step 3: take your tablespoon of boiling water and mix that in there too to get things all melted together. It should come out looking like molten chocolate, so if you need to add another tablespoon (I did) go for it.
Step 4: Add your butter and egg. It should look pretty smooth and creamy at this point.
Step 5: I don't have those little ramekin things, so I used a muffin pan with those cupcake papers. Worked great. Made clean up super easy too. According to The Detoxinista if you are using the ramekin things, no amount of coconut oil in the dish before you bake keeps it from sticking to the sides anyhow. Bake for about 20min or until a knife/fork/toothpick comes out clean
I added some water in two of the other muffin portions just to make sure I didn't dry it out
Step 6: BOOM!!! Just look at those babies! Nom! Now, if you are using ViSalus as your sweetener, it's good to note that protein powder, especially whey proteins, will make things come out fluffier. So just keep that in mind if you are using protein powder in any sort of cooking/baking.
Oh, and devour this shit! So freaking good. And this totally gets a fitness and health label too because it's totes guilt free.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Review: Alka-Seltzer Plus
So I'm sick. And I started to feel the itch of sickness on Friday and was talking to another woman about cold meds and how crazy it is that I have to get carded for friggen cough syrup and how the national guard practically got called out when I purchased Advil Cold and Sinus. Then we started talking about how expensive it can be blah bah blah and she suggested Alka-Seltzer because it works just as well as the popular stuff but it is way cheaper.
So I went to the store and sure enough, the stuff I usually got was upwards of $15 and this stuff was $7. I got stuck with the effervescent tablets (god saying that in my head is almost as annoying as writing it) because they didn't have the pills but I figured what the hey, it's citrus flavored!
Shit is disgusting. It has this weird residue that is very similar to shit I had to drink for my bowel prep and it made me want to vomit every time. After I choked down about 3 dosages I pleaded, literally begged, Juan to go to the store and not make me take anymore.
That's not to say it didn't work, it did, but choking that down was god awful. From now on I will be throwing down the 20 some odd bucks to get the stuff I "like" (if you can truly like cold meds).
My grade: D
Shit is disgusting. It has this weird residue that is very similar to shit I had to drink for my bowel prep and it made me want to vomit every time. After I choked down about 3 dosages I pleaded, literally begged, Juan to go to the store and not make me take anymore.
That's not to say it didn't work, it did, but choking that down was god awful. From now on I will be throwing down the 20 some odd bucks to get the stuff I "like" (if you can truly like cold meds).
My grade: D
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Randoms
I've been so tired lately that it seems that the only way I can think is to think in lists. And even that is questionable (please visit exhibit A where yesterday I spent 45minutes at the gym looking for my phone and car key...). On to the list.
1. Juanito is very sick. I literally cannot remember the last time he was this sick. He's been down for the count since Tuesday night and he still has a nasty cough and stuffy nose and he says he can feel the cough dropping into his chest. He's so sick that last night he looks at me and tells me that he wants chocolate donettes. At first I thought he was kidding, but then he kept talking about them. Then I got worried that he was dying because the man does not do sweets, but I drove to the convenient store and got him a bag of them and almost ate them all. Crazy.
2. I am le tired. (Then go take a nap and then go fire the missiles!!!) That is all to really say there.
3. Simba is a goddamn picky eater. Please view exhibit B - the several different kinds of cat food we are going to try out to try to keep him eating. Because heaven forbid he get the same flavor two meals in a row. And lord help us if it's trout. And god knows that same texture of food more than one meal in a row is an abomination.
4. Sappho isn't the smartest dog, but she's entertaining.
5. We still really need curtains for our giant doors.
6. I'm three weeks into school and I still haven't even ordered my books. It's gonna be a fabulous last semester.
7. I'm back to teaching Zumba and I missed it and it's awesome. Yesterday we worked so hard that we fogged up not only the windows, but also all the mirrors. The yoga class that came in after us got a surprise heated room.
8. It's already in the 70s-80s here. I'm half jokingly telling my clients and students that swim suit season starts next week. But it's kind of true.
9. My sister told me that she had to admit to someone how much peanut butter she eats. I thought about what I eat in excess and while I do eat a fair amount of peanut butter (though not as much as she does) I do eat quite a bit of chocolate. I found these sugar free, gluten free, 75% cocoa dark chocolate bars from TJs. I have a square after every meal. It's amazing.
10. My new house, while out in BFE, is awesome and I love it and I'm getting used to the commutes and having to fill up my tank once a week instead of once a month. Just check out these sunsets visible from out front door!
1. Juanito is very sick. I literally cannot remember the last time he was this sick. He's been down for the count since Tuesday night and he still has a nasty cough and stuffy nose and he says he can feel the cough dropping into his chest. He's so sick that last night he looks at me and tells me that he wants chocolate donettes. At first I thought he was kidding, but then he kept talking about them. Then I got worried that he was dying because the man does not do sweets, but I drove to the convenient store and got him a bag of them and almost ate them all. Crazy.
2. I am le tired. (Then go take a nap and then go fire the missiles!!!) That is all to really say there.
3. Simba is a goddamn picky eater. Please view exhibit B - the several different kinds of cat food we are going to try out to try to keep him eating. Because heaven forbid he get the same flavor two meals in a row. And lord help us if it's trout. And god knows that same texture of food more than one meal in a row is an abomination.
4. Sappho isn't the smartest dog, but she's entertaining.
5. We still really need curtains for our giant doors.
6. I'm three weeks into school and I still haven't even ordered my books. It's gonna be a fabulous last semester.
7. I'm back to teaching Zumba and I missed it and it's awesome. Yesterday we worked so hard that we fogged up not only the windows, but also all the mirrors. The yoga class that came in after us got a surprise heated room.
8. It's already in the 70s-80s here. I'm half jokingly telling my clients and students that swim suit season starts next week. But it's kind of true.
9. My sister told me that she had to admit to someone how much peanut butter she eats. I thought about what I eat in excess and while I do eat a fair amount of peanut butter (though not as much as she does) I do eat quite a bit of chocolate. I found these sugar free, gluten free, 75% cocoa dark chocolate bars from TJs. I have a square after every meal. It's amazing.
10. My new house, while out in BFE, is awesome and I love it and I'm getting used to the commutes and having to fill up my tank once a week instead of once a month. Just check out these sunsets visible from out front door!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Surgery Sucks
In case you were wondering, surgery sucks. It's true. It doesn't matter how simple your procedure, how awesome your surgeon is, how young or fit or healthy you are (all components present in my surgery), it still sucks. Even if you're such an optimist that sunshine literally shines from your ass, surgery still sucks. It's disruptive, it hurts, it screws with your whole system, your whole body, your mind, not just your surgical site.
Luckily my procedure was able to be done laparoscopically, meaning healing time was cut down, it was less invasive and, according to the scrub nurses, also meant less pain. Never having a previous surgery, I have nothing to compare this to.
Was I an outpatient procedure? Yes. Was I putting on real pants and making a small appearance at a holiday party a week and a half post op? Yes. Was there pain? Only really on the second day, and that was controlled with meds, and even at that I only needed to up my meds for half a day. At currently five and a half weeks post op am I teaching Zumba, going on short jogs with the dog, sleeping normally and for the most part living my normal life? Yes. Does it still suck? Yes.
One thing these last few weeks have taught me is that there is a difference between being fully healed and fully functional again. My doc told me my wounds would be healed within 5-6 weeks. And she was right. I ignorantly thought this meant that I would also be up to doing box jumps onto three foot platforms, doing suspension training, and doing strength moves on pole again. I thought I would be doing all of my favorite workouts that I had been powering through pre-op by 5-6 weeks post op.
This coming Friday makes it 6 weeks post op to the day. I'm jogging, yes. I'm teaching Zumba, yes. But I have to take more frequent breaks because I still can't tighten my core on command and so when I jump around, my belly moves and it's really uncomfortable. Belly dancing is a struggle to say the least. It's taken me literally weeks to be able to re-train my abs to pull navel to spine (pre-op I was practically able to collapse my belly in half). If I sit up too fast or reach too far it still hurts. I have so much scar tissue in my core that I've lost all flexibility in my ab muscles, to the point where I can barely lift my chest off the ground when laying on my stomach. I still don't have all my energy back, I get tired so easily and so quickly, and it will take me another five and a half months to rebuild the good bacteria in my gut and intestines from the bowel prep, which probably means I will spend the next several months trying desperately to regulate my digestive system (which is still not regulated no matter how much fiber I eat).
It's been such a challenge of my patience. I fully expected to be doing suspended hip raises and planks by now and I'm back to starting at simple crunches and pelvic tilts. Not being able to do any exercise for four weeks had me lose a lot of strength that I had worked so hard to build up. I've basically been sore for the last two weeks straight and I'm using close to 30lbs less (more for legs) than what I was six weeks ago. I know I'm not starting from square one, but I am definitely several steps back from where I was.
I don't say all this to be a debbie-downer, or to wallow in my own frustration and, if I'm being totally honest, disappointment for not being able to put on super-hero cape and go fight crime just yet. I say it because it's perspective. Perspective I didn't have and wasn't prepared for. And it's been hard adjusting to and accepting it.
I don't know if anything could have been done to better prepare me for all of this. I asked all the right questions, my doctor was totally open about what I was to expect. I don't know if all the talks in the world could have soothed my naturally impatient soul to slow down and, ha, be patient.
Despite surgery sucking, I have learned a lot. I usually cope with stress with exercise. I would literally work off my cortisol. Not being able to has forced me to seek other avenues. It's always good to have more than one coping skill. This must be what my clients feel like when they are just starting their fitness journey. I haven't been fit my whole life, not even my whole adult life, it's been a journey, but the beginning was now several years ago and I've come so far that this is definitely a refresher in what it as like back then. It's forced me to eat really well. I don't have the luxury right now of detoxing my indulgences away by sweating it out. I have to eat clean or I feel like shit.
I say all this because while I have been optimistic and celebrating the little steps like driving myself somewhere for the first time or getting my first workout in post op, the rest of it is still worth saying. I have learned a lot, I am thrilled to not have Jan in me anymore, and I'm simply tickled to be working my way back to my normal self and my normal life. AND the rest of it is equally as important as everything I've gained. The rest of it doesn't make me any less grateful for having access to the health care to detect Jan and then remove her. It doesn't make me any less grateful to have such a supportive family who came out and supported me. It doesn't make me any less grateful to be recovering so well and without complication.
So often and so easily we get sucked into this way of thinking that doesn't allow room for two opposing thoughts or desires to exist in the same moment. We do this by saying "but" to separate them. "Surgery sucked but I'm grateful that I could get it done." Two thoughts: surgery sucked, and being grateful for being able to get it done. The "but" devalues and cancels out the surgery sucking part. As if to say, "It's not fair or right for to to say that my surgery sucked because I should really just be grateful for having awesome health care." Saying, "Surgery sucked AND I'm grateful that I could get it done" allows for equal value of both thoughts and allows for both to operate within the same moment. Not only does it validate the way I feel and think on both ends of the spectrum, it gives me peace knowing that I don't have to choose, or feel like I have to choose between which feeling is "right."
Luckily my procedure was able to be done laparoscopically, meaning healing time was cut down, it was less invasive and, according to the scrub nurses, also meant less pain. Never having a previous surgery, I have nothing to compare this to.
Was I an outpatient procedure? Yes. Was I putting on real pants and making a small appearance at a holiday party a week and a half post op? Yes. Was there pain? Only really on the second day, and that was controlled with meds, and even at that I only needed to up my meds for half a day. At currently five and a half weeks post op am I teaching Zumba, going on short jogs with the dog, sleeping normally and for the most part living my normal life? Yes. Does it still suck? Yes.
One thing these last few weeks have taught me is that there is a difference between being fully healed and fully functional again. My doc told me my wounds would be healed within 5-6 weeks. And she was right. I ignorantly thought this meant that I would also be up to doing box jumps onto three foot platforms, doing suspension training, and doing strength moves on pole again. I thought I would be doing all of my favorite workouts that I had been powering through pre-op by 5-6 weeks post op.
This coming Friday makes it 6 weeks post op to the day. I'm jogging, yes. I'm teaching Zumba, yes. But I have to take more frequent breaks because I still can't tighten my core on command and so when I jump around, my belly moves and it's really uncomfortable. Belly dancing is a struggle to say the least. It's taken me literally weeks to be able to re-train my abs to pull navel to spine (pre-op I was practically able to collapse my belly in half). If I sit up too fast or reach too far it still hurts. I have so much scar tissue in my core that I've lost all flexibility in my ab muscles, to the point where I can barely lift my chest off the ground when laying on my stomach. I still don't have all my energy back, I get tired so easily and so quickly, and it will take me another five and a half months to rebuild the good bacteria in my gut and intestines from the bowel prep, which probably means I will spend the next several months trying desperately to regulate my digestive system (which is still not regulated no matter how much fiber I eat).
It's been such a challenge of my patience. I fully expected to be doing suspended hip raises and planks by now and I'm back to starting at simple crunches and pelvic tilts. Not being able to do any exercise for four weeks had me lose a lot of strength that I had worked so hard to build up. I've basically been sore for the last two weeks straight and I'm using close to 30lbs less (more for legs) than what I was six weeks ago. I know I'm not starting from square one, but I am definitely several steps back from where I was.
I don't say all this to be a debbie-downer, or to wallow in my own frustration and, if I'm being totally honest, disappointment for not being able to put on super-hero cape and go fight crime just yet. I say it because it's perspective. Perspective I didn't have and wasn't prepared for. And it's been hard adjusting to and accepting it.
I don't know if anything could have been done to better prepare me for all of this. I asked all the right questions, my doctor was totally open about what I was to expect. I don't know if all the talks in the world could have soothed my naturally impatient soul to slow down and, ha, be patient.
Despite surgery sucking, I have learned a lot. I usually cope with stress with exercise. I would literally work off my cortisol. Not being able to has forced me to seek other avenues. It's always good to have more than one coping skill. This must be what my clients feel like when they are just starting their fitness journey. I haven't been fit my whole life, not even my whole adult life, it's been a journey, but the beginning was now several years ago and I've come so far that this is definitely a refresher in what it as like back then. It's forced me to eat really well. I don't have the luxury right now of detoxing my indulgences away by sweating it out. I have to eat clean or I feel like shit.
I say all this because while I have been optimistic and celebrating the little steps like driving myself somewhere for the first time or getting my first workout in post op, the rest of it is still worth saying. I have learned a lot, I am thrilled to not have Jan in me anymore, and I'm simply tickled to be working my way back to my normal self and my normal life. AND the rest of it is equally as important as everything I've gained. The rest of it doesn't make me any less grateful for having access to the health care to detect Jan and then remove her. It doesn't make me any less grateful to have such a supportive family who came out and supported me. It doesn't make me any less grateful to be recovering so well and without complication.
So often and so easily we get sucked into this way of thinking that doesn't allow room for two opposing thoughts or desires to exist in the same moment. We do this by saying "but" to separate them. "Surgery sucked but I'm grateful that I could get it done." Two thoughts: surgery sucked, and being grateful for being able to get it done. The "but" devalues and cancels out the surgery sucking part. As if to say, "It's not fair or right for to to say that my surgery sucked because I should really just be grateful for having awesome health care." Saying, "Surgery sucked AND I'm grateful that I could get it done" allows for equal value of both thoughts and allows for both to operate within the same moment. Not only does it validate the way I feel and think on both ends of the spectrum, it gives me peace knowing that I don't have to choose, or feel like I have to choose between which feeling is "right."
Monday, January 7, 2013
Oh My God I Have Access to the Internet and I Have a TON to Say
No really. I have been keeping a mental tab of all the things I want to blog about when I have internet at my house (back up, we moved! And I don't get internet at my house until the 11th and I don't know if you've ever tried to manage a blog FROM YOUR PHONE. Shit is a nightmare) and trying to decide which to blog about right now has literally almost made my brains come out my ears. So, here's a list of random shit that is on my mind and I'll expound on it later.
1. We're homeowners bitches! It was a nightmare getting the loan approval and the whole closing process and getting the keys, but we have keys. We have a house. A house with no window coverings right now as we wait for them to get shipped to us and for us to install. But it's ours. All. Fucking. Ours. Boom.
2. Surgery is sucky. No matter how well it goes or simple the procedure or how bad ass your surgeon is (and my surgery went so well my surgeon was still pumped up about it a week later), it sucks. It takes more out of you than you ever think it will. You sit on your couch in a very specific position, watching movies, occasionally getting up to waddle around your house and to pee, and yet you still need naps, lots and lots of naps, because you're so damn tired all the time. That being said, I'm three and a half weeks post op and my energy is starting to come back (though it leaves me quickly still), my range of motion is almost all back, and today I did my first workout since surgery! It was a slow, light, non-exciting workout, but I am going to savor every minute of it because I got to move and my life feels like it's getting back to normal.
3. Sweet potato fondue. Holy balls that shit is delicious. I will blog about this in painful detail soon.
4. Apparently today is a heavy cursing day.
5. Today is the first day of my last semester of grad school. I graduate in May providing that I don't fall off the deep end and get committed to the loony bin and need to take a leave of absence. And someone in class just started talking about already prepping for the LMSW exam and now I'm starting to freak out.
6. I have a small list of resolutions this year, which is kind of a big deal since I usually make the resolution to stop making resolutions.
7. Cats are smarter than dogs. At least my cats are smarter than my dog. I've known this for years, but now I have actual proof. Within 24hours of being in the new place, the cats have adapted to stairs and know where their food and litter box is, they have figured out where all the sunny spots are, how to open the new doors while I'm peeing, and fell into the new routine of trying to beat me to the bathroom, then standing in my way in all the dark places first thing in the morning as I shuffle through my morning routine instantly. We've been there for more than a week and Sappho is still having a hard time with stairs, tile and where to go when we cue "backyard."
That's all for now. I should be paying attention to the class I'm in anyways.
1. We're homeowners bitches! It was a nightmare getting the loan approval and the whole closing process and getting the keys, but we have keys. We have a house. A house with no window coverings right now as we wait for them to get shipped to us and for us to install. But it's ours. All. Fucking. Ours. Boom.
2. Surgery is sucky. No matter how well it goes or simple the procedure or how bad ass your surgeon is (and my surgery went so well my surgeon was still pumped up about it a week later), it sucks. It takes more out of you than you ever think it will. You sit on your couch in a very specific position, watching movies, occasionally getting up to waddle around your house and to pee, and yet you still need naps, lots and lots of naps, because you're so damn tired all the time. That being said, I'm three and a half weeks post op and my energy is starting to come back (though it leaves me quickly still), my range of motion is almost all back, and today I did my first workout since surgery! It was a slow, light, non-exciting workout, but I am going to savor every minute of it because I got to move and my life feels like it's getting back to normal.
3. Sweet potato fondue. Holy balls that shit is delicious. I will blog about this in painful detail soon.
4. Apparently today is a heavy cursing day.
5. Today is the first day of my last semester of grad school. I graduate in May providing that I don't fall off the deep end and get committed to the loony bin and need to take a leave of absence. And someone in class just started talking about already prepping for the LMSW exam and now I'm starting to freak out.
6. I have a small list of resolutions this year, which is kind of a big deal since I usually make the resolution to stop making resolutions.
7. Cats are smarter than dogs. At least my cats are smarter than my dog. I've known this for years, but now I have actual proof. Within 24hours of being in the new place, the cats have adapted to stairs and know where their food and litter box is, they have figured out where all the sunny spots are, how to open the new doors while I'm peeing, and fell into the new routine of trying to beat me to the bathroom, then standing in my way in all the dark places first thing in the morning as I shuffle through my morning routine instantly. We've been there for more than a week and Sappho is still having a hard time with stairs, tile and where to go when we cue "backyard."
That's all for now. I should be paying attention to the class I'm in anyways.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Meet Jan
*Edited to change potato to cantaloupe... after my post op appt today and a visual representation from my doc using her hands to show me the size of Jan, Jan was a friggen cantaloupe*
A couple months ago I was diagnosed with a fibroid, which is just a fancy way of saying a benign tumor, in my uterus. Well, technically on my uterus, not in it. Didn't have it last year, but I did this year, so my doc had me get an ultrasound and sure enough, a tumor about the size of a small lemon was chillin' on the outer right side of my uterus was Jan. Now, my sister named her Jan, but explaining that gets a little political and I told myself that I would stay away from politics in my blog. But it's hilarious why she named her Jan and you're just going to have believe that.
Since it's benign, I could have just let it hang out there forever. But my doc also told me that since it's a vascular tissue and if/when I get pregnant there will be all kinds of extra blood (yummy!) in my womb that Jan would more than likely feed of all that extra blood, get bigger, and cause some serious complications for any pregnancy, and since it's lots safer to take it out while my uterus is not being used as an incubator, we opted to have it taken out now.
My sister sent me a care package, complete with chocolate and a knitted womb with a button on it to represent Jan. And then my cats got a hold of it when I wasn't looking and damaged it slightly and I started to freak out. In hindsight, I now realize I was doing a little transference because my womb, I can't hold or see or cradle, but the knitted one I could. And if the cats messed and could break it, then I was going to be broken, and if my sister couldn't fix it in enough time that I won't be fixed in time and then there will be two broken wombs.
So Thursday I got my last hard work out in, did this awful thing called a bowel prep (which I do not wish upon even my worse enemy), stayed up the whole night so freaking hungry 'cuz I wasn't allowed to eat anything from 11am on, and checked myself into the hospital at 530am on Friday morning, on the table at 730am, home by about 1230pm same day.
This whole process was very aggressive on my nerves and anxiety. I don't like not being in control, especially when it comes to my body, and being put under anesthesia is about as far as you get to go in terms of surrender. And then my doc told me at my pre-op appointment that there was a slight scheduling error and they had me down for a hysterectomy and was seconds away from a massive break down until she showed me that she corrected it all on her forms and would call the hospital to make sure they got it taken care of too. So naturally when I'm at the hospital getting my vitals done and the nurse asks me am I getting hysterectomy I violently shook my head and desperately pleaded no no no no! That didn't help my nerves a whole lot either. But my surgeon was amazing and I remember the first thing I asked her when I came to was if I still had my uterus. Which she gently smiled and giggled and said that I did.
My anesthesiologist was pretty rad too. I told him about the awful time I had coming off anesthesia when I got my wisdom teeth removed and he gave me all kinds of things to keep me from doing that all over again. He hooked me up with a motion sickness patch, pumped me full of IV fluid with sugar in it, gave me some pretty amazing happy drugs right before they took me back and he brought me around pretty quickly too. This might be what he does with all his patients, but he was so flippin' excited to have an asian patient (how do I know this? Because he told me. He told me that he almost never gets an asian patient and he seemed really excited that I could also correctly identify his asian-ness).
Remember how I said we all thought that Jan was the size of a lemon, negative. Jan was about the size of a cantaloupe. And since Jan was the size of a cantaloupe, they had to use a tool called a morcellator, which is essentially a hand held mini food procesor, and grind that shit up and then scoop it out of me. Thankfully it was hanging on by just a small stem so she didn't have to cut into my uterus at all which is always a good thing, but because of her size I had to get cut up a little more.
The weirdest part is that I can actually feel the extra space in there. When I go to pee I can feel my uterus move a little (the uterus sits on top of the bladder) and when I lay down I can feel things move a little too. I mean, granted there's extra space in there since Jan the Potato has been taken out, but it's the weirdest sensation ever.
So for now, I am bruised and bandaged and resting, with the help of my mom and husband. I get to take the bandages off and take a shower today and attempt to put my belly button ring back in if it hasn't already closed up.
A couple months ago I was diagnosed with a fibroid, which is just a fancy way of saying a benign tumor, in my uterus. Well, technically on my uterus, not in it. Didn't have it last year, but I did this year, so my doc had me get an ultrasound and sure enough, a tumor about the size of a small lemon was chillin' on the outer right side of my uterus was Jan. Now, my sister named her Jan, but explaining that gets a little political and I told myself that I would stay away from politics in my blog. But it's hilarious why she named her Jan and you're just going to have believe that.
Since it's benign, I could have just let it hang out there forever. But my doc also told me that since it's a vascular tissue and if/when I get pregnant there will be all kinds of extra blood (yummy!) in my womb that Jan would more than likely feed of all that extra blood, get bigger, and cause some serious complications for any pregnancy, and since it's lots safer to take it out while my uterus is not being used as an incubator, we opted to have it taken out now.
My sister sent me a care package, complete with chocolate and a knitted womb with a button on it to represent Jan. And then my cats got a hold of it when I wasn't looking and damaged it slightly and I started to freak out. In hindsight, I now realize I was doing a little transference because my womb, I can't hold or see or cradle, but the knitted one I could. And if the cats messed and could break it, then I was going to be broken, and if my sister couldn't fix it in enough time that I won't be fixed in time and then there will be two broken wombs.
Look how talented my sister is with her knitting! After the cats got a hold of the uterus the fallopian tubes got all droopy, so right now it looks more like a weird, one eyed doll head with pigtails. But I love it all the same and brought it with me to he hospital and I will keep it far from the cats' reach since I am so very attached to it
So Thursday I got my last hard work out in, did this awful thing called a bowel prep (which I do not wish upon even my worse enemy), stayed up the whole night so freaking hungry 'cuz I wasn't allowed to eat anything from 11am on, and checked myself into the hospital at 530am on Friday morning, on the table at 730am, home by about 1230pm same day.
This whole process was very aggressive on my nerves and anxiety. I don't like not being in control, especially when it comes to my body, and being put under anesthesia is about as far as you get to go in terms of surrender. And then my doc told me at my pre-op appointment that there was a slight scheduling error and they had me down for a hysterectomy and was seconds away from a massive break down until she showed me that she corrected it all on her forms and would call the hospital to make sure they got it taken care of too. So naturally when I'm at the hospital getting my vitals done and the nurse asks me am I getting hysterectomy I violently shook my head and desperately pleaded no no no no! That didn't help my nerves a whole lot either. But my surgeon was amazing and I remember the first thing I asked her when I came to was if I still had my uterus. Which she gently smiled and giggled and said that I did.
My anesthesiologist was pretty rad too. I told him about the awful time I had coming off anesthesia when I got my wisdom teeth removed and he gave me all kinds of things to keep me from doing that all over again. He hooked me up with a motion sickness patch, pumped me full of IV fluid with sugar in it, gave me some pretty amazing happy drugs right before they took me back and he brought me around pretty quickly too. This might be what he does with all his patients, but he was so flippin' excited to have an asian patient (how do I know this? Because he told me. He told me that he almost never gets an asian patient and he seemed really excited that I could also correctly identify his asian-ness).
Remember how I said we all thought that Jan was the size of a lemon, negative. Jan was about the size of a cantaloupe. And since Jan was the size of a cantaloupe, they had to use a tool called a morcellator, which is essentially a hand held mini food procesor, and grind that shit up and then scoop it out of me. Thankfully it was hanging on by just a small stem so she didn't have to cut into my uterus at all which is always a good thing, but because of her size I had to get cut up a little more.
The weirdest part is that I can actually feel the extra space in there. When I go to pee I can feel my uterus move a little (the uterus sits on top of the bladder) and when I lay down I can feel things move a little too. I mean, granted there's extra space in there since Jan the Potato has been taken out, but it's the weirdest sensation ever.
So for now, I am bruised and bandaged and resting, with the help of my mom and husband. I get to take the bandages off and take a shower today and attempt to put my belly button ring back in if it hasn't already closed up.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Review: Advil Cold and Sinus
I know, I know. I just wrote a post about how awesome Emergen-C is, blah blah blah, and now I'm sick and writing a review on cold medicine. I jinxed myself, I know. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not this is a full on cold or if it's a minor cold and allergies. The cough I'm developing says cold though, but I'm not entirely willing or ready to say that I'm sick. I can't be sick. I don't have time to be sick. Allergies, even bad allergies, those I have time for.
The worst part has been the runny nose. No one should be as excited as I was earlier today to open a new box of Puffs Plus (a nose in need deserves Puffs Plus indeed!). But DayQuil doesn't help with nasal congestion, and so after I literally sat on the store floor comparing ingredients of different meds (for the record, they're all the same except for the ones you have to go to the pharmacy for), I finally decided that I was going to have to man up and go ask the pharmacist for one of them. Advil Cold and Sinus was the cheapest option so I went and got that.
So far so good. The sinus pressure has been giving me headaches, but the 200mg of ibuprofen in this stuff takes care of that. The pseudophedrine (the reason it's kept in the pharmacy and why the pharmacist requested my driver license and took down my info - it's the stuff you can make meth with) is the nasal decongestion and no runny nose. I can tell when the meds wear off because then I start blowing my nose like crazy, but when it's working, it works. I dig it. There's no cough suppressant so if I develop a cough then I will have to switch things up, but I'm loving that my nose is under control.
Grade: A
The worst part has been the runny nose. No one should be as excited as I was earlier today to open a new box of Puffs Plus (a nose in need deserves Puffs Plus indeed!). But DayQuil doesn't help with nasal congestion, and so after I literally sat on the store floor comparing ingredients of different meds (for the record, they're all the same except for the ones you have to go to the pharmacy for), I finally decided that I was going to have to man up and go ask the pharmacist for one of them. Advil Cold and Sinus was the cheapest option so I went and got that.
So far so good. The sinus pressure has been giving me headaches, but the 200mg of ibuprofen in this stuff takes care of that. The pseudophedrine (the reason it's kept in the pharmacy and why the pharmacist requested my driver license and took down my info - it's the stuff you can make meth with) is the nasal decongestion and no runny nose. I can tell when the meds wear off because then I start blowing my nose like crazy, but when it's working, it works. I dig it. There's no cough suppressant so if I develop a cough then I will have to switch things up, but I'm loving that my nose is under control.
Grade: A
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Review: Emergen-C
When I'm in school, I take an Emergen-C every day. Not because I suffer from mysophobia (fear of germs! I learned something new in school) or because I'm paranoid about getting sick. I fully intend to let my future children eat dirt and things off the floor to build up their little immune systems. I just literally do not have the time to be out of commission for even a couple days with how busy my schedule is right now. It's literally taking all my energy just to keep myself from going bat shit crazy, the last thing I need right now is to be stuck on the couch or in bed (and can I just say that the only time I miss not having a TV in our room is when I'm sick and I just want to lay in bed and watch movies?) with no capacity to do anything except drool or sniffle. World domination is not for the weak, let me just tell you.
So Emergen-C. A friend of mine prefers to take them like a shot, with only a couple oz of really cold water and tosses it back in one giant swig. I can't do that. Maybe that's because I'm not a champ like she is (the woman can drink whiskey for pete's sake - I can't even smell it), but I need to drink it down in 2-3 swallows. It's definitely not something I can sip on, and I don't know if you've tried to take 3 quick and consecutive sips of anything that is really cold, but I get a brain freeze when I do that. So I use room temp water (something that I NEVER do), which in my opinion makes it fizzier which I like, and then I can swig it down. I also find that letting it sit for about 30seconds before stirring and drinking helps it all dissolve better so that you don't get the dregs and super bitter after taste.
I don't know if it helps, I mean, I still get sick sometimes, but I feel like I'm doing all that I can and should be doing (along with excessively thorough hand washing) to stay healthy as much as possible. And when I do feel under the weather and I take this, I feel like that Emergen-C commercial that shows Bruce Lee in all the fizzy bubbles defending your immune system from the evil ninja germs.
Oh, and stay away from the berry flavored ones unless you enjoy the taste of vomit and ass all rolled into one. Gotta stick with the tangerine or super orange flavors IMO.
Grade: A
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